The day after

So here I am, the day after. I re-read  the post and I am already feeling the tears, I am scared. But I wake up this morning and I smiled at myself. A novelty for me, I can tell you. I read somewhere that talking down my feelings should help ( was is it Tom Cruise blog? ). Aftermy awakening  last summer I did come to understand that I cannot cheat myself any more, at first I thought that gay me was the consequence of my family and drugs history, that's why I did throw away all my toys ( arghhh...), now I just realise that I was again in hiding mode. I always thought that one doesn't become gay, simply you are born gay. "I am gay" is a statement that is true as much as the "I am a man and fellow human being" one. Until yesterday my feelings and emotions were very much confused. Every bit of thought I had about me and my history always led me to sadness and anger and pity for myself. Life have been very bleak indeed. Today I am starting to feel that the pieces will come together, I have hope. But I am scared, simply because it start making sense. The fear is that I am making another mistake, and in Alex style at that. All my life I have dealt my problems on my own, I learned to trust no one, and I took steps that destroyed my chances. I am in this world as a human being, and I always tried to be a good one, and I tought enough. But it is not enough, I need to cry and laugh without restraints, and feel that I am living, not just passing by. My family never helped and the drugs certainly did not help. My family is now long gone, and I know that drugs are another chapter, I regret only the scars on my body. My biggest fear is that no one will accept me as I am, with all my baggage. I know I cannot answer that question, I can be only myself at the moment.  Alex